There are two kinds of people in the world---people who naturally give, and people who naturally take. IT is obvious which one I am, and which one I have always been. I am a person who takes.
I say this with brutal, humiliating knowledge of my own character, which is stands convicted by a lifetime of habits of taking rather than giving. I have taken rather than given because I felt contracted in my spirit, as if giving will empty me out, and leave vulnerable and weak in the world, rather than replenishing and me filling me.
The people I most admire are those who give most readily, and do so out of generosity of spirit. How I wish to be like them, even at my age, and with most of the years of my life now behind me. How do I become this way? The answer is in the smallest of step, yet I find myself failing the tests over and over. When confronted with the opportunity to be a giving person, I still blanche, stall, and reflexively retreat out of pain of what giving will do to me.
I have to be willing to annihilate myself, in order to give. It have to be willing to force myself into that fear reflexively.
Pray for me, that I can do this, and become this type of person even now, as I feel so diminished compared to person I once was.
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