Pulpstones

 Today I was at the dentist's explaining the stupid decisions I made twenty years ago, and all the trouble it has caused me. I am missing two molars on the lower left side and we were trying to diagnose an issue with acute pain there that has suddenly come up in the last week. I told him the story of how one of my teeth came to be missing there, and it connected to the story of my life in late 2004 and 2005, right after I left New York, and separated from my ex-wife.

I told him the part of my life story from then concerning my teeth, and the downstream consequences of it, including the cataract in my left eye I have today. I told him that very poor choices I made regarding dental issues in that time period would, if I indulged such a thing now, quite likely result in my death, as twenty years ago I was much younger and healthier. I told that's why I had come into his office so quickly. I had decided on Sunday morning that something was not right. 

His wife, who is his receptionist in this small family practice in central Phoenix, got right back to me on the Sunday and I booked an appointment for today.  I thought it might be nothing, but like I said, I don't take chances about this kind of thing now. 

What I didn't tell him was that my choices back then were only one of at least three huge mistakes I made at the time, in the fall and winter of 2004-2005 that wound up hurting myself and others in a massive which. Like my negligence with my dental health, they had massively bad consequences, and there is hardly a day that goes by that I do not sorely regret what I did. It would been so easy to do otherwise! I tell myself. I was forty years old but had the judgement of a child!

The second one was certainly that when I left NewYork, I should not have followed the plans I did. I should not have gone West. I should have gone to Florida and stayed with my grandmother, who at the time time had less than three years to live. What I would give to have seen her at least that one last time. I could have stayed with her, I 'm sure, and gotten my life together in Florida until I found my footing again. Maybe I wind up living in Florida and re-starting my life there. What a different storyline that would have been. Alas I did not do that, to my shame and regret.

My grandmother would have insisted on my taking care of my tooth abscess with some dentist she knew, and this alone would have put me physically in a such a state today, such that all other things being equal, I would hardly be aware of the decay of my body (and probably still in a state of relative naivité about my mortality).  How easy it can be to preserve aspects of youth into your old age so long as you don't do stupid things to yourself when you are younger!

Best of all I would have gotten to spend time with her one last time. My mother would have come down to visit at some point, no doubt, to see her mother. I would have seen my uncle and my cousins, who were taking care of her too. I would have been a comfort to her. She took care of me almost as much as my own mother did when I was a baby. I truly had three mothers, between my own mother and my two grandmothers. I let all of them down at the end of their lives and I can only beg God that he was gracioius and merciful to all of them at the end.  If I think about it too much, I'll probably not be able to type because my eyes are full of water.

I hurt other people, stupidly and selfishly. There are people with whom I cannot communicate, whom I would beg for forgiveness if I could.  I can only throw this bottle in the ocean with the message that I was wrong and am truly sorry for what I did. I am not that person anymore, a person who would do that. I has cost me so much pain, thinking about it over the years and sometimes the wound feels very fresh.

As far as my tooth issue, I'm glad I went in. It turns out I probably have something called a pulpstone. So long as I can tolerate the possible occasional flare-ups, I might not need to do anything about it. The dentiss's own wife has them. She had to use Advil when it happens, but it has been ok the last year and a half. Worst case is another root canal, but only if I can't tolerate it at some point. So it looks like I got somewhat "lucky" again.