How I miss you so much already. I have so much sorrow for having lost you as a friend. It's true---I let things get out of hand in my mind, as I am prone to. In some ways, I knew exactly that it would cause you to say what you did. It was almost as if I were trying to make you say that, on some level, just to get a reaction out of you.
You say: I was a good friend. I don't think so. A good friend would have found a way to stay friends. I spent so much emotional effort this year, trying to make contact with you again, trying to restore our friendship.
As I mentioned before, I had a lot of old feelings to burn off. A lot of it was guilt over my actions from years before, that I was the cause of your pain. I wanted to tell you that. I wanted to tell you how sorry I was, for the pain I helped cause you. I wanted to tell you that I would do it all differently, if I could. I was trapped by that, for all these years. For some reason, it was important for me to tell you that I would do the things now I should have done, those years ago. But I know that is not what is meant to be. Yet somehow it was important for me to convey it. Forgive my wretched clumsiness, I beg you.
If I had a wish, it would be for you to give me yet one more chance, to be friends. I know you need one. I need one too. We can be friends to each other, I truly believe, and leave the old things behind. I'm ready to do that. I think it took your last message to really wake me up, and let me move beyond the old.
I'm ready to help you, if you want. You know that I know things about you that you have told to no one else. I am not scared of the dark things in you, that scare you to talk about. Maybe I am the only person in the world for which that it true. But it is true.
When you are ready, come back to me. I will never give up hope of hearing from you---ever. You are too close my own soul. And yes, I love you, as Jonathan loved David, "like his own soul." (1 Samuel 18:1-4).
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