The Return of Voice

 

Last night after my podcast I went out in the living room.

"How'd it go," asked Jessica, in a friendly tone. She had been listening to at least part of it, but she always asks me that in a neutral way, wanting to know my own reaction to my show.

"Good," I said. "I think I have found my voice," I added. She concurred, and said as much. I knew it would take a while---sixteen months now---but somehow I got to a place where after the show I felt neither puffed with short-term ego pride, nor deflated at a feeling I had not reached my potential. 

In this case I felt peaceful, and satisfied in a way that was without pride. It was a strange feeling, one I have not felt in a while. This was despite the fact that the title of the show was extremely provocative and controversial, and I worried about the reactions of my regular listeners, as well a people who might stumble on it.  I felt I would have to thread the needle on a complex issue while still saying something meaningful. I was astonishe at myself from the peace I felt, as I had done exactly that. I had the uncanny feeling that I'd actually contributed something of value to the world.

Something seems to have happened in the last month that has released a mode of creativity I have not felt in a long time---maybe decades. It feels like rain after a long drought. Or perhaps more appropriately, like welcoming back a long lost friend. 

It is wrong to want it to keep going?

Also I found out that Badlands has invited me to be a part of their next conference, GART 5, in Deadwood, South Dakota, in August. I had given up on being invited again, even as I kept putting my name in the hat. Did they run out of other speakers?