Transporter 3

An incredible run of movie watching came to a halt last Friday when I developed an ear infection. On Tuesday, after four days of convalescence, I felt well enough to venture out. It had been frigid over the weekend, but suddenly the temperature had risen above fifty---a nice relief. I'd come to understand what my sister told me about always feeling cold in Massachusetts in the winter, even if you're inside.

One thing I hadn't missed during my rest was driving on the roads around here. I realized this the minute I got back on Route 2 headed towards Leominster. The traffic around here just sucks. I'd already come to the conclusion that New Englanders are the worst drivers in the nation. It's just not much fun to drive in these parts. Thankfully I was at the theater a few minutes later, for a cheap matinee.

Transporter 3 was at the very top of my "must-see" list for this week, mainly because I figured it was not destined to hang around in theaters long once the holiday rush of premieres started rolling in.

Actually I was looking forward to it because I am a huge Jason Statham fan. I really liked him in The Bank Job and Death Race from earlier this year. Both were leading roles. This year has really been a break-out year for him.

Something about him makes for a great action hero. I'd already come to the conclusion that he would have made a much better James Bond than Daniel Craig.

According to my own set of rules, I should properly have seen The Transporter (2002) and Transporter 2 (2005) before seeing this, as I like to see all series in the proper order. All three movies are written by Luc Besson and star Statham. But I bent my rules for now. As it happens, the movie contains a lot of references about "bending rules," so I figured I made the right choice for now.

In any case, I can't properly compare this movie to the first two.

What I can say is that I really like Statham, as I thought I would. Natalya Rudakova is sexy and playful as the kidnapped girl that Statham must transport. It all works. It's fun, and goes by quickly (just over ninety minutes).

Well, it works so long as you aren't bothered by the fact that the entire premise of the story is one giant gaping plot hole. Let's review: a scuzbag giant multinational corporation wants to dump its toxic waste in the Ukraine. The Ukrainian environmental minister stands in their way. Their solution is to kidnap the man's daughter while she is partying in Ibiza and hold her, threatening to kill her, until he signs documents that will allow them to dump the waste. The corporation is very powerful, and not only can field teams of scumbag lawyers, but paramilitary operatives with advanced surveillance technology and the ability to hack into military installations. They also have their own tankers to haul the waste.

So far, so good. But here's where it gets fun. For some reason (never explained), the giant corporation, after kidnapping the daughter in Ibiza, must, for some unexplained reason, move her to Bucurest, Romania. Fine. But in order for her to be moved there, she has to be transported over land, by car across Europe, and driven unaccompanied by a third-party driver who does not work for them.

Got that? No charter jets. No boats. Only a loose cannon hired-gun driver (Statham) in his own car (an Audi) driving solo will do for this very critical task. The corporation will keep close track of him by special custom GPS and an explosive bracelet, and can field a goon squad at a moment's notice to surround him if he deviates from course even for one minute. Even the bad guy realizes halfway through the movie that they can replace the driver "with anyone with a driver's license." Why he didn't realize this in the first place is not something you should think about. Please don't ask any more questions.

If you can live with these premises, then the movie will go down like fine whiskey. It's pleasing, well-paced, and non-headache inducing (I can say this because one of my ear canals is still plugged). If you cannot live with these absurdities, you are sure to choke and gag. It's up to you. I chose to go the first route, just for fun.

The bicycle scene in the Hungarian factory is ridiculous and credibility-straining, even with the allowances mentioned. The scene at the reservoir with the floating car makes up for it. It all balances out, see?

Of course my own rules now mandate me to watch the first two in the series as soon as possible, but I can say I will do so with pleasure and anticipation.