Yesterday I finally got through the trauma of sending out my Christmas cards this year. It should not be a trauma, because I find great joy in sending personal communications to others. It's a trauma because, as I explained, in previous posts, in brings up an awareness and reflection of the things that separate me from others, more than at other times of year. The trauma is all in the build-up to writing personal notes, reminding me of what I can and cannot say to them, lest I trigger some anger in them. I have no need to discuss politics with them. Among the Christmas cards I receive, which are few, there are often sly references to politics--the kind of tests that Lefties send out to others to ping them, to make sure they are on the same page about everything in the world. We all still hate Trump, right?
I got only one such comment this year, a reference to the "crazy people out in the Arizona" from someone on the East coast. I would never dream of engaging back with this. I love the person who sent it, even though he is a friend I haven't seen in many years, and who lives with another man in what society now widely recognizes as a conjugal relationship.
I like to address the envelopes of my Christmas cards with formal titles of people, like Mr. and Mrs., etc. whenever possible. What do I do in this case? I use the abbreviation of the plural of monsieur. I want to believe my friend is flattered and humored by this, in a fun way since we were both in French class together in high school. My French classes back then spawned many relationships I still have, albeit loosely. At Threadfest in Southlake, my friend Kelli Phillips introduced me as someone she met in the same French class.
I would never dream of imposing my personal beliefs on my gay friend in a Christmas card, or any other venue. He would never know my beliefs on this unless he asks me point blank. I would have to tell him, and it would probably lead to the end of our friendship. So I enjoy the friendship while I still can. One day he will find out, perhaps soon, and he will perhaps cease the friendly back-and-forth we have.
I would try to tell him that my belief is that acceptance of his status as being in conjugal relationship with another man is something I extend to him as a personal courtesy to him. It is a case by case basis. I do not believe it is something that society as a whole needs to be forced to acknowledge, the way it does for a man and a woman. I've never heard anyone else express it quite like that. It took me a long time to work that out in my mind.
Five years ago I went to a wedding ceremony between two men that was held in the Lan Su Chinese Garden in downtown Portland (pictured above). Jessica and I flew back to Oregon. He was one of her medical school colleagues, and graduated with her. I always liked him.
I was horrified during the ceremony. The actual vows between the two men seemed like an afterthought. Instead they had us, the audience and attendees, swear a vow to support them as a married couple.
This is bullshit, I thought at the time. You invite people and then make them take a promise? This is not the way it is supposed to work. It is a mockery of a wedding ceremony. I refused to mouth the words and kept my mouth shut during the vow, even as the audience members tried to outdo each other with their enthusiasm to shout "WE DO!!"
I was insulted and angry at my hosts for this stunt. I felt like I'd been swindled. I resolved it was the last gay wedding ceremony I would ever attend.
Such are the things that swirl in my mind while writing Christmas cards. As for my friend who received the card, I have nothing against him, and even let slide the political comments he makes that tell me that he assumes I am also a liberal who agrees him. I pray for him--not because he is gay, but because he is my friend, and I wish him nothing but happiness and joy sincerely.
The marriage at the Lan Su Garden in Portland didn't last. They went their separate ways shortly afterwards. Of course so do marriages between men and women these days, but the whole thing seemed like a joke, with the point of it being getting us all to say that vow like we did.
No comments:
Post a Comment